The First Good-bye
Moms know that creating a bond between themselves and their child is an essential part of building a strong and trusting relationship. At the beginning, this often means spending every waking moment-- and often, a lot of sleeping moments --with their child. For new moms, leaving baby for the first time with someone else can be an incredibly difficult and emotional experience that some moms try to avoid. In fact, according to research by Playtex Infant, 30 percent of Canadian moms with children under three years of age have never spent a night away from their baby. However, learning productive ways of dealing with separation anxiety is also a very important step for both mom and baby.
When does separation anxiety begin and why?
For babies, separation anxiety usually begins around the six to eight month mark, and may even intensify between 12-18 months when the baby becomes more mobile. Mobility is met with insecurity because baby is no longer completely dependent on mom or dad.1 Despite some previously held beliefs, this behaviour is totally normal, and does not mean that baby is too dependent. In fact, many in the field of child development feel that separation anxiety is an outcome of how secure a baby is, and how easily that child will embrace independence.2
There are several ways to ease separation anxiety and registered nurse Cindy Zizek offers the following tips to make sure both mom and baby enjoy their time apart:
- Give “it’s OK” signals – in preparation of longer goodbyes, start by giving your baby “it’s OK” cues while she is playing. Your cues act as reassurance to your baby that it’s okay to go ahead and explore.
- Say good-bye – It is important that when you leave your baby you say a proper good-bye instead of sneaking off. Although it may be easier for you to avoid the tears, it isn’t for your baby
- Test run – If you are feeling particularly anxious, try inviting your caregiver over to spend time with your baby while you are still at home. You can begin by being in the room with them and then slowly distancing yourself from your baby
- Hire family or familiar faces first – try to leave your baby with family or ask your babysitter to arrive at least 30 minutes before you depart so your baby can become familiar with the sitter
- When all else fails, soothe – Whether it is a favourite blanket, stuffed animal or pacifier, leave your baby with the familiar items that help him relax.
- Make sure your baby is well-fed and awake – separation can be harder on a tired or hungry baby, so try to time your goodbyes when your baby is happy, well-rested and has a full tummy
The initial good-bye
When should you leave your baby for the first time? “Every mom is different” says Zizek. “But more importantly, every child is different. Kids have different temperaments and will react differently depending on the situation.” Zizek explains that parents should evaluate their child’s behaviour and then decide what will work best for them.
Daycare
Leaving your child in daycare is different from a night away from home. In daycare, the time apart is much greater, and your child has the opportunity to interact with other kids. According to the deep-groove theory, “the stronger the parent-infant attachment, the deeper the attachment groove in baby’s record and the easier baby can click into this groove when needed.”
3 This means that children who have a strong attachment to their parents actually have an easier time at daycare and show less anxiety in general because they are able to spend their energy on exploration rather than worrying about being away from mom.
Although the thought of leaving baby can be very stressful for moms, it is important to plan some ‘me’ time. Whether that means a spa day or a night out, mom occasionally needs a change of scenery. It can also be a great experience for baby. It is good for baby to have time allocated to interacting with others and learning new routines. As Zizek explains, “These simple acts allow children to learn how to be autonomous, a skill that will benefit them for years to come.” When both mom and baby are ready, dealing with and overcoming separation anxiety encourages children to be more independent, confident and trusting.